Parenting strategies

When, then statements: your new best friend

3 min read · Spotless Mind editorial

The sentence

"When your shoes are on, then we go to the park." Not "if you put your shoes on", which is a negotiation. Not "put your shoes on or we're not going", which is a threat. When, then. It describes how the world works: first this, then that. It is the least emotional sentence in parenting, and one of the most effective.

Why it works

It gives the brain a sequence it can see, which is exactly what an executive-function-poor brain needs. It removes the argument, because you are not asking or threatening, you are stating the order of events. And it puts the child in charge of the timing: the park happens when they decide the shoes happen.

"When, then" is a map, not a demand. The child walks the map at their own speed.

How to say it

Calmly. Once. Then stop talking. The silence is part of the technique. Repeating it turns it back into nagging. If the child stalls, you wait, pleasantly, doing something else. The "then" does not arrive until the "when" does, and you do not have to enforce that. The sequence enforces it.

Make it visible

First-Then cards from the Transition Toolkit turn the sentence into a picture: the shoes on the left, the park on the right. For younger children and for anyone who processes pictures faster than words, that is the version that lands.

Try this: for three days, every request becomes a when-then. Say it once. Then wait. Count the words you did not have to say.

Educational content, not medical advice. Concerned about your child? Speak to your GP.

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