What people often mean

"We should catch up sometime" — usually a friendly goodbye, not a plan. A real plan has a day.

"How are you?" in passing — a greeting, not a question. Safe reply: "Good thanks, you?"

"That's interesting…" flat tone, looking away — often polite disengagement. Good moment to ask them something or wrap up.

"Do you want to…?" from a boss — usually a polite instruction, not a genuine choice.

Reading the room, simplified

Feet point where interest goes. Feet angled to the exit usually means someone needs to leave.

Short answers and no return questions means the conversation battery is low.

Two glances at a phone or watch is your cue to offer an exit: "Anyway, I'll let you go."

Leaning in, follow-up questions, mirrored posture — genuine interest. Green lights.

Conversation formulas

The 2:1 pattern. After answering a question, aim to ask one back. Conversation is turn-taking tennis.

The bridge. "That reminds me of…" links their topic to yours without an abrupt switch.

The exit script. "It's been really good talking, I'm going to get a drink. See you soon." Works everywhere.

The repair script. "I think that came out wrong, what I meant was…" Defuses most misunderstandings instantly.

Energy management

Social battery is real. Plan recovery time after events — that is maintenance, not weakness.

Arrive early. Joining a small group as it forms is far easier than entering a big one.

Have two exit-ready reasons prepared before you go. Knowing you can leave lowers anxiety enough that you often won't need to.

Sensory pre-checks — noise, lighting, seating — prevent overwhelm better than any coping skill used in the moment.

Say what you want, not what you don't

The brain struggles to process negation — "Don't run!" paints a picture of running. "Walking feet!" paints walking. Toward-language beats away-language, especially for ADHD brains.

The power of "yet"

"I can't do it" closes a door; "I can't do it yet" installs a timeline. One word converts a fixed identity statement into a growth expectation, and it is one of the most replicated findings in mindset research.

When, then structure

"When your shoes are on, then we go to the park" gives the brain a clear causal map. It removes negotiation because it describes how the world works rather than issuing a threat.

Name it to tame it

Labelling an emotion — "You're feeling frustrated" — measurably reduces amygdala activation. The word itself is the intervention. Teach children feeling-words the way you would teach colours.

Identity language

"You're the kind of kid who keeps trying" builds identity; "good job" evaporates. Children live up, or down, to the labels they hear most. Audit the labels in your home.

Presuppositions

"Do you want to brush teeth before or after pyjamas?" presupposes that teeth are happening. Choice within structure satisfies autonomy and still gets the outcome — the friendliest influence pattern in linguistics.

Power posing & posture

Two minutes of expansive posture — feet wide, hands on hips, chin level — reliably increases felt confidence before performances, interviews and school challenges. Teach it as a family ritual: the body leads, the mind follows.

Get low, get calm

To calm a dysregulated child, drop below their eye level. Height reads as threat to a stressed nervous system; crouching reads as safety. Slow your own breathing visibly — co-regulation is contagious biology.

Open beats crossed

Open palms and uncrossed arms signal safety and honesty across every culture studied. In hard conversations, deliberately opening your posture de-escalates faster than words do.

Feet never lie

Faces are managed; feet are honest. They point at what the brain wants. Use it to read genuine interest — and to check in with your own body's signals.

Slow is confident

Rushed movement broadcasts anxiety; deliberate movement broadcasts safety and status. Slowing your walk, gestures and speech by about a fifth changes how others respond, and how you feel.

The physiological sigh

Two quick inhales through the nose, one long exhale through the mouth — the fastest evidence-based way to downshift the nervous system. Works in seconds, invisible in public, teachable to a five-year-old.

The dopamine menu

Pre-write a menu of quick, healthy dopamine boosts — a song, star jumps, cold water, a five-minute game — to reach for instead of doomscrolling when motivation dips.

Body doubling

Boring tasks become possible when someone else is simply present. Homework next to a parent doing their own admin often outperforms any reward chart.

Externalise time

ADHD brains experience "now" and "not now". Visual timers, labelled alarms and clocks in every room turn invisible time into something the brain can see.

Shrink the start

The hardest part is starting. Make step one laughably small — "open the book", not "do homework". Momentum does the rest; the two-minute launch beats any lecture on effort.

The cost of camouflage

Many autistic people, especially girls and women, mask: rehearsing conversations, copying peers, suppressing stimming. It works, and it exhausts. "Fine at school, meltdown at home" is the classic signature of a child spending every coin of energy holding it together. The answer is reducing the need to mask, not masking better.

Supporting without fixing

Honour special interests, provide sensory breaks before they are needed, give processing time after questions, and use clear, literal language. In the Social Skills Lab we teach optional tools for navigating a neurotypical world — always in service of the person's own goals, never to make them "less autistic".

Instead of "Calm down!"

"I'm right here. You're safe. We'll get through this together."

Instead of "Stop crying!"

"It's okay to feel upset. I'm going to sit with you until it feels smaller."

Instead of "Why did you do that?!"

"Something big happened. When you're ready, help me understand."

Instead of "No iPad if you don't stop!"

"First we tidy up, then it's iPad time."