Swearing, spitting, slamming doors: a field guide

They are all the same behaviour

Swearing, spitting and slamming are three volumes of one message: I am overwhelmed and I want you to know it. They are chosen because they work, instantly and reliably, to get a reaction. The trick is that the reaction is the reward, and a shocked, angry adult is a very big reaction.

Swearing

Under ten, it is usually a discovered word with a discovered effect. Stay boring: "That's not a word we use here," once, flat, and move on. The less it does, the less it is used. In a meltdown, ignore it entirely. The words are not the point. In teens, decide what you actually care about: swearing at you is different from swearing about a video game, and only the first one needs a rule.

Spitting

Almost always a sign of a child who is past words and past hitting, or a sensory need to get something out of the mouth. Treat it as dysregulation: step back, keep everyone safe, wait for the wave to pass, clean up together afterwards without a speech. Repeated spitting outside of meltdowns is worth an OT's eye. Chewing tools and oral input often make it vanish.

Slamming doors

This one is a gift. A child who slams a door has removed themselves from the fight, which is exactly what you want them to learn. Let the door be loud. Say nothing until they emerge. If it is genuinely damaging the house, a door closer solves the noise without a battle.

Educational content, not medical advice. Concerned about your child? Speak to your GP.