The double empathy problem, explained for parents

An idea that changes the question

For a long time the assumption was that autistic people lack empathy, or lack the ability to read other people. The double empathy problem, an idea from autistic researcher Damian Milton, says something different: the difficulty runs both ways. Autistic and non-autistic people find each other hard to read. It is a mismatch between two ways of communicating, not a deficit in one of them.

What the research found

Studies that asked people to pass a story along a chain found that autistic people communicated with each other about as well as non-autistic people did with each other. The information was lost when the chain mixed. Autistic-to-autistic communication worked. It was the crossing between the two styles that broke down.

Why this matters at home

It takes the blame out. When your child misreads you, that is a translation problem, and when you misread your child, that is the same problem from the other side. It means the work is shared: you learn their signals as much as they learn yours. It also explains why autistic children often relax around autistic friends and adults, and why finding those people matters so much.

What it means for "social skills"

Teaching an autistic child how neurotypical communication works is useful, the way learning a second language is useful. It becomes harmful when it is framed as fixing a deficit, or when the child is expected to do all of the translating. The Social Skills Lab on this site is built on the first framing and refuses the second.

Educational content, not medical advice. Concerned about your child? Speak to your GP.