Friendships

Teaching repair after friendship fallouts

4 min read · Spotless Mind editorial

Falling out is normal. Not knowing how to come back is the problem

Every friendship has ruptures. Neurodivergent children often experience them harder, misread them more, and have fewer tools for mending them, so a Tuesday falling-out becomes "nobody likes me" by Wednesday. Repair is a skill, it can be taught, and it is more useful than any amount of advice about making friends.

The three parts of a real apology

What I did, without "but". How it affected you. What I will do differently. "I said your drawing was rubbish. That must have felt horrible. Next time I'll say what I like about it." The Repair Card in the toolkit has this on one side and the absolutes to avoid on the other. "you always" and "you never" turn a moment into a verdict.

Repair is not about who was right. It is about whether the friendship gets to continue.

Practise it away from the moment

Role-play at home with toys or with you. Practise the other side too: receiving an apology, and what to say when a friend gets it wrong ("that hurt, and thanks for saying"). The Conversation Simulator on this site has scenarios built for this.

The map

The Friendship Map tool draws four rings instead of two categories, so one falling-out with one person stops feeling like the whole world has moved. A child who can see that they have a best friend, some good friends, some school friends and some people they know is a child who can survive one bad afternoon.

Try this: next fallout, do not solve it. Ask: "What happened, what did it feel like for them, what could you say tomorrow?" Write the three sentences together. Let them decide whether to use them.

Educational content, not medical advice. Concerned about your child? Speak to your GP.

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