Anxiety

Separation anxiety past toddlerhood

4 min read · Spotless Mind editorial

Normal, until it is not

Clinging at nursery is expected. A seven-year-old who cannot be left with a grandparent, who follows you from room to room, who needs to know exactly where you are and when you will be back, is showing something more, and it is common, especially in anxious and autistic children and after a loss, illness or upheaval.

What it looks like

Refusing sleepovers or clubs. Distress at drop-off long past the age it usually fades. Worry about something happening to you. Needing a parent in the room to fall asleep. Physical symptoms when separation is coming. The child is not manipulating you. The threat system has decided that being apart from you is dangerous, and it is protecting them.

The child's job is to learn that you come back. Your job is to make that lesson small enough to learn.

What helps

Short, predictable separations that end exactly as promised. A goodbye ritual that is the same every time and does not linger. Long goodbyes feed the alarm. A concrete, visible return time: "when the big hand is on the six." Something of yours to hold. And confidence in your own face, because a child reads your worry about their worry and takes it as confirmation. Build up in steps: five minutes with a neighbour, then twenty, then an afternoon.

When to ask for more

If it is stopping school, sleep, friendships or your own ability to work, speak to your GP or the school. Talking therapy for anxiety works well for separation anxiety, and the earlier it starts, the shorter it is.

Try this: plan three separations this week that are slightly shorter than the child fears and exactly as long as you say. Same goodbye each time. Point out afterwards, briefly, that you came back. That sentence is the medicine.

Educational content, not medical advice. Concerned about your child? Speak to your GP.

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