Praise that builds (and praise that backfires)

Not all praise is equal

"Good boy." "Clever girl." "You're so talented." It feels kind and it is, but research on praise has been clear for a couple of decades: praise for traits (clever, talented, good) tends to make children more fragile, and praise for process (effort, strategy, persistence) tends to make them more resilient. A child praised for being clever avoids things that might prove otherwise. A child praised for trying tries.

Describe, don't judge

The most useful praise is a description of what you saw: "You kept going after that first one didn't work." "You used three colours in the sky." "You waited until she'd finished." It is specific, it is true, and it tells the child exactly what to do again. "Well done" tells them nothing except that you are pleased, and they cannot repeat that on purpose.

Praise that backfires

Praise that is inflated ("that's the best drawing I've ever seen") which children see through and then distrust all praise. Praise with a sting ("finally!"). Praise that compares ("better than your brother"). Praise for things that cost nothing. And praise as a manipulation, which children detect and resent.

For neurodivergent children especially

They hear far more correction than most, so the ratio matters more. Aim for five noticings for every correction. They also often doubt praise, so specificity is what makes it believable: a child cannot argue with "you started even though it was boring".

Educational content, not medical advice. Concerned about your child? Speak to your GP.